Poetry - STUTS

You fill up my insides, I just can’t keep you out, You’re always on my mind, I just can’t keep you out,

When I don’t have you, You’re always on my mind, A connection to my brain, You’re always on my mind,

To feel you between my fingers, A connection to my brain, To press you to my lips, A connection to my brain,

How much I long, To press you to my lips, No-one wants me, To press you to my lips,

In times when I feel like, No-one wants me, You make me forget, No-one wants me,

You’re no good for me, You make me forget, Everyone else was right, You make me forget,

I should give you up, Everyone else was right, Deep inside I don’t think, Everyone else was right,

Breathe you in, hold you steady, let you out, I’m just not ready.

Record scratch, flip to side B, Unknown songs that are a part of me, Fresh sounds and unusual beats, I'm tapping my feet, This change of tune, It came so soon, Where was the crossfade, The suspension of self, Thrown into a genre of difference, Leaves me losing every sense,

But the beat resonates, The tempo complicates, And I nod my head, Tap the table, Bounce my leg, A new sound that I'd searched for, Beyond a horizon I never saw, Side B on repeat.

Sharp and cold as ice It provides the perfect slice Letting out the red pain Flowing from her vein Nothing to gain

The hurt is just fine Making a bloody line The emotion pain dies But still shows in her eyes She's been betrayed by lies

For the seconds in that hurt She becomes totally alert Of where this is going The fear of knowing It just keeps flowing

Face down on the floor She can't take any more A face so bright, now pale She doesn't move, doesn't flail She can't let out a wail

Hours later her friend walks in Her bubble burst by a pin A body lay down on the ground This can't be her friend she has found It is, she let's out a cry of no sound

Rush her away, to a hospital bed Lay her down, rest her lost head Wrap up her wrist, cover each scar No-one believed she'd take it this far She's dying away like a star

She awakens, where could she be? Her eyes start to water, as she starts to see She's in hospital, she went too deep Out of her chest, her heart tries to leap The price of pain does not come cheap

When she is home, she goes to her room Throws away the razor, her ultimate doom She promises a fresh start, no more pain She had put herself to shame To think that her emotions could be slain

They all wait for her, a new girl She's become so precious, she's a pearl She's changed herself, altered her fate She pushed her luck, it was almost too late She wiped her past, started a clean slate

A year has passed since she last drew blood In a flash of emotion, her eyes flood She thought of her past, of what she'd done The time she tried it and begun But this was just a memory, just a rerun

The apple swinging gayly over the tilled, weeping soil peaked down at the root vegetables hiding below the muds surface and smirked, “Hey, look at me, glance at this magnificent tree, See how the leaves flow and my skin does shine and glow, Wouldn't you like to join me? Wouldn't you like to know, How I've found my place in this world and use it to grow? “

And the carrot anchored in, swearing it's roots were all that mattered, That the green sprouts were stuck in idle ambition and lust for the light it'd never reach, The trees are closer yet still bend sadly in the breeze away from the true desire, Roots stopping the branches from becoming the sail that takes the ship out of port and away from home, from where it needs to be, And against its will, or for its own secret desire, a look to the tree,

“There you are friend but what's with the doubt? Why tell yourself you can't have what you can't be without? Do you think I made it up here on my own? Do you think 15 foot in the sky is where I was sown? Look to others my pretty orange friend, Don't be afraid of these branches which bend, Be strong, be weak, be true and be you, Live the colour you are and not these shades of blue”

A struggle and a pulse, A bend and a brace, From out of the mulch, Came dear carrot's face,

“Apple, I'm scared, what's with this breeze, Was your bargaining nothing more than a shameful tease, To see me try and fall back down, To my comfortable little hole in my familiar ground”

“Oh dear carrot, do you not see? You're one branch closer to your freedom tree, You've pushed yourself up, and look how you've changed, Your friends down there don't know how to be arranged, Grids and rows are not for your free spirit, Nor for this field and everyone in it”

A rumble and a groan, A shudder, a shake, a moan, As out popped the carrots, the turnips, the potatoes, Who looked up to the sky and sighed “we'll brave this climb to where nobody knows”

Best thing ever, Do your worst, I'll be the worst thing ever, I'm best as a curse,

Worst thing ever, Try your best, I'm the best thing ever, I'll pass every test,

Softly speak your love, Beat all the hate, For you, so much love, I'll constantly grate,

Shout out your hate, Bury the love, In me, so much hate, I'll rise above,

One minute it's gold, Burn it to ashes, One hour it's ashes, Alchemist's gold,

One day quickly passes, And so I'm told, We'll struggle like the masses, Until we get old.

The lonely fisherman sat idle on his raft, Comfort and composure engaging in his craft, Reeling in occasional fruits from the water-bodied God, He wrangled down inside himself and felt something odd,

For where there was passion there was also a loss, For where his raft was strong there was also growing moss, And this lonely fisherman found the source,

The accompanied fisherman sat shocked and still, Conversation and companionship, no longer time to kill, Fruitful hauls from the blue Goddess' domain, Forever in this moment is where he'd remain,

Only remain in his head as the tides had moved, Only forever on this boat as history proved, As the one from his two was removed,

The lost fisherman sat abashed and alone, On this mossy raft that was once his throne, Letting the offerings from the sea go, As he resolved to himself, “No, This raft is still here with me, And so are the gifts from the glowing sea, Just give me back my comfort and peace, I lost my way searching for a release, All I had was what I did share, Once stripped back I felt so bare, From this day forth I'll not be so naive, To let my lonely mind believe, That I can let others on my little boat, And expect it still to float”

I still look back at the photos, the memories we made, I still reread the messages, the games that we played, I still feel the pain in my chest, the ghost that stayed, I should let this go,

I can't stop looping, a projection on repeat, I can't look ahead, blind staring at my feet, I can't decide, was this victory or defeat, I should let this go,

I remember the good times, the laughs and the jokes, I remember the dinners, at home with the folks, I remember less each day, a price of the tokes, I should let this go,

I find new paths to the past, every day a new direction, I find myself with bottle in hand, another disconnection, I find strength inside of me, self-driven correction, I shouldn't let this go.

The memories though both physical and emotional should always stay as a lesson, a celebration, a section of life. A life that is destined to change, to grow, to lose and to flow. So while I can't look at you in the eyes without putting on a poised persona, I am happy. Happy to have had the experiences, the emotions, the education. Happy to have been a part of you, and you of me. Happy that it's over.

I heard that you're alone again, I hope you'll be okay, It takes every bit of discipline, To not reach out and say, That I have raging thoughts within, For you to not suffer and to pay,

The hypocrisy inside of me, Is fueled by different shards, All of which I calmly see, But disregarding them is hard,

We haven't spoken in some years, Except the odd exchange, To think I cried so many tears, Yet still want good is strange,

Could I truly forgive and move on, Or have parts of me been stunted? The shadow lingers, weighs a ton, And nothing I do will shunt it,

Life has these tricky ways, To obscure meaning in average days, Are these signs I see or just of kind, The delusion of my breaking mind.

With this poem I drew inspiration from the song Constellations by Enter Shikari. While the song reflects upon external issues (society, sustainability, politics), I enjoyed the idea of abstracting the internal (aimlessness, uncertainty, panic) to that of a train with no destination. The title was the first thing that came to mind and helped me find the tone and direction for the piece, ironically.

The train’s left the station while I’m laying the track, It’s too late to delay, there’s no going back, Carriage full of thoughts, running on hope, I can’t just stop, there’s no time to mope,

A nervous voice over the tanoy, “our next station is”, Crackle of static, it drowns out in a fizz, Passengers glancing, quick from side to side, When did we choose to where we would ride?

As tensions rise, the voice reappears, Fleeting thought, will this confirm our fears? “There’s been a delay, our destination’s unclear”, Turning around, the station’s still near,

Feelings of hope as the train slows, Maybe now we can determine where it goes, Look at each other, where should that be? Eyes towards the station that we can still see,

Sudden realisation, it’s all looking back, Where’s the future for this meaningless track? Should it just be laid, destination aside, Who would leave when it does arrive?

If arriving isn’t the aim but the result of action, How do I make sure it keeps its traction? Or how do I know my bearing’s correct? Too much time spent trying to reflect,

Is everyone’s journey the same as mine? I’m not the only one pretending to be fine, Or is that what we’re all trying to do, And I’m the one who just lets it through.